different types of questions are on my mind… but it’s all related, isn’t it?

I’d rather be a new-age hippie loon than, say, a republican or something! (he he! no offense to any republicans who might someday read this…)

so yes, i like your receipt book analogy. i think the stub, the pindot memory, is where we get triggered. we hear/see/saay something, and it takes us back to that point. i have been absolutely triggered these past 2 days, and it feels horrible. for me these days, i can recognize when i’m stuck in that memory/receipt stub… the hard part is knowing where to go from there and how to let it go. how to FORGIVE. there. i said it. i don’t think i know how to fully forgive. or DETACH. specifically i’m talking about some issues with a family member— i worry about this person, and i judge her lifestyle and how she thinks she’s invincible. so when her partying lifestyle inevitably starts to affect her health, i get terrified. i have been terrified of losing this person for quite some time. i lost my dad to alcoholism 3 years ago and fear i’m watching someone else that is important to me head down the same path. yes, some of it is just my hyper-worrier personality (i always go to the most extreme possibilities in my head in an instant), but some of it, i believe, is not.

anyway, to get back on track, when this person seems ok, or she’s convinced me that she’s ok, those old layers/stubs retreat and i think “ok good, i’ve worked my way through THAT.” then something pops up, like a weird blood test, and i’m hurled into crisis-mode. i have been worrying non-stop since yesterday afternoon, making myself sick. this layer is clearly not just a stub.

the trouble is that i let this person’s life choices affect MY life and how i feel during MY day. it gets in the way of everything: my work, my happiness, my art, everything.

so, big questions come: how do i detach from the effects and outcomes of this person’s choices? how do we reverse response patterns that feel so ingrained in our bodies? why does life feel so freaking HARD sometimes, and how do i change THAT mentality? how can i honor my feelings/needs and keep a boundary around me and my life without feeling guilty? how can i incorporate this into my art? how do we accept and thank people in our lives for being exactly as they are? how do i let go of fear? ( i know the simple answer: just let it go. but, as i said before, simple does not always mean easy.)

agggghh! sorry to lay this on you. i figured writing might help, and i seem to have a lot of questions and stuckness, so this is the landing place for it all. hope you don’t mind…..

ps- i’m going to post some artsy thing soon, i promise!